Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
Yesterday, one of my favourite bloggers asked a question about what tools a Dom can legitimately use to bring a submissive to heel. That and several other things flying around Tumblr lately have pressed some buttons for me, and it would have been easy for me to fly off on a rant about crap Doms.
Instead, I’m going to try and order my thoughts into some sort of cohesive dialogue and write about submission - about what it is, and what it isn’t.
So, first up, what submission most definitely is not is a license to act like a complete arse. In saying I am a submissive, we are not saying please, do whatever you wish to me with no thought of the consequence or consideration for me.
Submission is not a sign of weakness or passive personality. Not the way we play it, anyway. Every scene, every beating, makes us stronger. We know what we want, we know what works for us. We know what doesn’t work. We have faced fear and pain and degradation the likes of which the vast majority of Dominants cannot say they have experienced first hand. Listen to us. Trust us.
Submission is a sign of strength. We are comfortable enough with ourselves and our sexuality that we are willing to allow you to do pretty much whatever you want - and if you have captured our hearts so completely, we likely really will let you do anything. But we are still people, we are still vulnerable and we are still worthy - no matter how debased and disgusting we may appear writhing in your piss. We deserve to be treated with consideration and compassion.
I know, it’s complicated, there are times we are crying out to be treated without either of those things. But that is not an open invitation to always treat us like crap.
A good Dominant will know how to read his girl. He will know how and when to break her down, and how to build her back up again. He does not need to resort to petty threats or manipulation, because he will have better tools available for getting what he wants. Sometimes, it is as simple as a look. A scene that is built purely around the desires of the Dominant with no thought for the submissive, or one that does not adapt and change according to her response is a static, stagnant thing. There is no room for growth there, no room for progression to something better. Within that, the missive is just another prop. And only a really bad Dominant would not recognise all that his missive can bring to the table.
I have known Doms that have resorted to the wonderful line if you were really submissive, you’d do this for me. If spoken seriously, this is usually indication for me to leave. I mean fuck, I actually get off on this stuff - I enjoy being made to do things I don’t want to do. If you cannot compel me to do something, really, who’s failure is that?
We missives come in a variety of flavours, all with our own little quirks. There is no right or wrong way to submit. There is no such thing as not being submissive enough. I am what I am and I demand to be celebrated as such. If you want more from me, find a way of taking me there. Don’t throw your toys out of the pram just because you didn’t get it on the first try. Don’t blame me for your failings.
I guess this didn’t really address what submission is - and it did turn into a little bit of a rant about bad Doms. For which I apologise.
I get very upset when I see girls at the beginning of their journey, girls in the full throws of obsession and submission, who are being treated badly. When we hand ourselves over to a Dominant, we give them everything and we are willing to wring from it every last drop we can. I think that is to our credit, not our failing. Yet there are ‘Doms’ out there who will manipulate and distort. Who will blame their failings on the girl lying prostrate at his feet.
Said Doms make me want to scream. They have no right to claim dominance and no rights over the girl they wish to manipulate. They are abusing everything that she is and setting her on a path to self loathing.
I want to set up a special home for wayward girls gone astray. The ones who have been made to feel they have done something wrong or not been good enough.I want to rescue them and show them what a real Dominant is. I want to show them the love they deserve for being exactly who they are.
What is comes down to is this:
Submission is simply about handing yourself over. Your Dominant will do things enjoy and things you do not. He will drink in your reactions and get high on them. The reactions must be real, they must be authentically yours. It doesn’t matter what they are. You still have the power to say no. Look forward to the day you meet the man who makes you never want to say no - not because he isn’t challenging you, but because he is making it safe enough for you to truly do anything. The moment he criticises you for something you fundamentally are, yet offers no help to get you to where he thinks you should be, leave. Because you are better than that. Your job is just to be there, to be present. Everything else comes naturally.
As a submissive, I have the choice as to whether I submit. There may be consequences to my actions or lack of, and that is all part of the process. I carefully weigh up my options, decide whether the consequences are something I’m willing to take, and I act accordingly.
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title? What is your opinion on the use of titles in general?
I go by the name whore. I wouldn’t call it a title per se… although I guess that’s exactly what it is.
I wrote a post a while back which explained my relationship with the word whore - it’s here, and I won’t bore you with a repeat. Suffice to say whore is a name I took for myself long before I was owned and I imagine it is a title I will carry with me ever after.
I’m a lover of language. I am, however, often frustrated by the use of labels and tags and titles. I find they can be restrictive and far too simplistic. We are, at times, constrained by the language we use. The need to be able to converse causes us to say things like I’m a submissive - when actually what we are is a bundle of nuances and enigmas barely conveyed with such throwaway terms. Language is, however, a necessary tool for communication.
When used well, words can paint such wonderful pictures. Elegant language can create a scene, never mind make or break one. And titles can be a useful way of guiding behaviour.
For the first couple of years of our relationship, I refused to refer to his Lordship as my boyfriend. Such a title did not come close to conveying what he really is to me, and I was almost afraid that if we used the words, we would fall into the pattern. So he was my Lord, my partner, my Master, my lover.
Few of my friends seem to go by the names bestowed upon them by their parents. Sometimes it is a deviation or a shortening they use, or else they adopt a different name entirely. A roll call of my Doms takes us through a bizarre collection. I have subbed to a Bear, a Scorpio, a Warlock, a Preacher and a Cain - to name but a few. The names we take for ourselves are powerful and expressive. They convey so wonderfully who we have chosen to be - or perhaps sometimes who we wish to be.
So what is my opinion of titles? They can set a scene and set the rules for that scene. Our names, our titles, can create boundaries for the activities we engage in, they can spark emotions and build scenarios. I respond well to being called a whore, but badly to being caled a slut or bitch or pig - or basically anything I feel is insulting or derogatory towards me. I know others really get off on that.
I think we are all free to find our own name, and I think doing so is immensely liberating. It makes us stronger, gives us a confidence and a power we might have been lacking before. Because in choosing a name, we state our identity - and that is always an empowering thing to do.
But there is one title that will often irk me. Master.
I believe Master is a title best bestowed. You are a Master if and only if someone is willing to serve you, willing to submit to your will. I have no problem with Master being used as a title - I use it myself for his Lordship - and no problem with people referring to themselves as a Master. But there is a breed of ‘dominant’ men who call themselves Masters before they have earned such a title, and I find that unbelievably arrogant and ignorant.
It’s probably just one of my quirks, but whenever I’m using networking sites, I find myself veering away from men who have Master as part of their profile name. In my experience, they have just turned out to be the least masterful men I have met. So very disappointing.
(Having said that, I can think of at least one Master on Tumblr who I deeply respect and whose blog I adore… so there must be exceptions to every rule.)
Day 28: How do you dress for kink? What significance does your attire have to you?
Back in my early explorings, there was a certain ritual involving a certain dress.
My then-Master would have me arrive and sit outside on the fire escape until he was ready for me. A text would tell me I could go inside, where I would find a circle of rope laid out on the floor and my rags hanging from a beam. The rags had been given to me on my first excursion there.
It was a useful ritual. I would sit, waiting, preparing mentally for what was to come. Then I would go inside and strip away my everyday persona with my everyday clothes. I would step into my rags - a black tattered dress with trailing ribbons down to the ground. Then I would stand in the place he had marked out for me, his whore, ready for whatever trial he would have me endure. Sometimes that might be a beating, the cage… or dinner and a DVD. He kept me guessing.
But as soon as I was in that dress, I was the whore. Nothing more, nothing less. Outside did not matter. It was very a much a leave-your-baggage-at-the-door sort of thing.
For a long time, chains were also a part of my regular garb. Chains are wonderful, in so many ways - see many other posts of mine on this very subject!
These days, I’m usually naked when I’m being used by his Lordship. He likes a naked body, he likes flesh. I suppose it becomes a canvas for his will. But nakedness also induces a vulnerability. There’s no armour for me to hide behind, nothing to shield the bits I don’t want seen. It’s just… me. Wonderful, bare, armourless, available, me.
This is particularly hard for me as I’m not entirely comfortable in my skin. Clothing is a wonderful comforter. His Lordship can be pretty brutal in tearing that away.
I’ve often said it would be useful for us to have some sort of ritual clothing. More specifically, for me to have some sort of ritual garb. When you live with someone, it’s very easy to get bogged down in the every-day. Mundane pressures of work, questions of who should cook and the desire to just flop on the sofa have to be battled and kept carefully in check if we are not to spiral into a world of drudgery and routine.
Having a particular outfit to wear, having a collar or a set of chains or some other symbol of bondage makes you step out of that every-day garb and into something new. Something that says this is what I am. Use me.
I don’t wear a collar as a symbol of my bondage, but I understand the potency of such a symbol. It says now I am a slave, now I am nothing but what you wish me to be. It says this is what I am. It says use me.
Day 27: Do your non kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
I am inclined to think that the interests that haven’t, at one time of another, been incorporated into some sort of scene simply don’t translate well into a BDSM scenario. My kinky persona is not separate from my every day one, and likewise my ‘kinky’ lifestyle is not completely disjointed from my day-to-day life. So it would be strange if there weren’t cross-overs.
There are some interests that have been more exploited than others. My artwork, for instance. I draw submissive girls in situations. At times, my artwork has been used as an indicator of desire and I have found myself in the situations I have drawn.
Magick, too, has become completely enmeshed with kink. My Dom is also my Mage and my Priest, my Goddess the embodiment of all I try to be when I submit. This is very much a chicken and egg thing - the kink is flavoured by the magick is flavoured by the kink.
At times, I have found my kinky lifestyle influenced by my love of the outdoors, of walking, of abandoned places, of photography. And likewise, my kinky nature has influenced things otherwise completely mundane. My love of cooking and serving people, for example, is a way of allowing my submissive nature to shine through to the mundane world.
We are the sum of all our parts. I’m not sure a kinky relationship that did not draw from or build upon my interests would be entirely satisfying. It would be too simple. I find a lot of what turns me on is simple aesthetics - a style of dress, a type of music, the environment in which we play. These aesthetics permeate all of my life and are not exclusively attached to kink.
The Doms who have drawn the deepest response from me are the ones who have known how to read me. Who can take the things I like and appreciate and recognise what it is that appeals to me, and then use that thing to create scenarios or situations that will elicit the greatest response. Doms who can take situations in which I am completely comfortable and at home and give them a new edge are remarkable creatures.
I have said before and will say again that the mark of a really good Dom is being able to respond to a submissive and craft a scenario according to what she needs and desires and fears and what will make her stronger. And also one who knows when to say fuck it, who cares what she wants - this is what I’m doing.
Day 26:What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
I know a lot of kinksters are quite derogatory when it comes to online play. It’s not something I do and I can’t imagine a scenario in the future in which I would. But I think it has a place. And although I cannot imagine myself taking part in an online relationship, the tinternets served me very well as a newbie.
Despite always having partners with whom I have been able to experiment with, early on in my explorations I found myself in a long term, deeply committed relationship with a guy who turned out not to be quite so perverted as me. He was happy to tie me up and spank me, but if I cried, he stopped. It was frustrating for me as I wanted to go further. That was back before I realised what I was doing was a thing, before I consciously stepped into the scene. My first experience of the world of Ds as a subculture with a whole lifestyle attached to it came from the internet.
It was a very random online conversation with a stranger that introduced me to the scene. I had been a practising submissive for some years at that point. But at 21, I had never called myself submissive. Once I had taken that step of fixing a label to myself, the problems haunting my relationship looked easy to solve. If we started actively pursuing a Ds relationship, I would stop engineering emotionally charged atmospheres through manipulation and general brattiness. Simple.
Except it wasn’t, because he wasn’t as into it as me.
I started to haunt chat-rooms and forums with a BDSM theme and talking to other people who shared my proclivities. For a while I thought I would be able to keep my relationship going, and just explore this stuff on the side. Naive. In the end it became clear that I would never be happy unless I was with someone who not only understood my nature, but loved me for it.
And that really sums up how I feel about online BDSM play. It’s a poor substitute for the real thing. For me, it’s not enough. It’s a useful tool for introductions, and for certain mind-games, it’s as fine a medium as any. But the internet simply cannot achieve what a flogger can. More importantly, there’s no aftercare with the internet. You can humiliate yourself in front of a webcam until the end of days, but without someone to wrap you in their arms at the end of it and tell you how proud they are, what’s the point?
I’m sure for some people the internet is about as real as they need it to get. And for others, as real as they can safely get. Me, I’m a masochist so physical pain - physical sensation - is important. Bruises are important.
I can’t imagine taking part in online play in the future. For meeting people and making new connections, the internet is always my first port of call. But that’s all.
But however I feel about online BDSM play and its place in my life, I don’t think there’s any denying the value it has for others. As a way of learning more, dipping the toes and exploring in a safe environment, it’s great. Though the flip side is the bad decisions. Posting pictures might seem fun, but I’m sure it comes round to haunt some people later.
Oh, one thing that does annoy the hell out of me with online play is the tendency it has to instill that awful habit of capitalising Doms and lower casing subs. I hate seeing people write things like O/our, My, i, W/we. It’s just bad grammar.
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
I don’t introduce myself with the adage “Hi, I’m E and I’ll be your whore for this evening”. Nor do I tend to wear a sandwich board announcing my submission. But it’s not something I hide.
If I count someone as my friend, they know how my relationship works. They may not understand it, but they are aware that it runs by less conventional rules. I have no doubt that those people I have worked with for a while will have come to suspect there’s something… different… about me and my relationship. The way I trip over calling W my partner or refer to him as his Lordship, the fact I occasionally wince when sitting down on a Monday morning, the very non-pc jokes I tend to make.
I once had a very interesting conversation with my mother where she told me that she and my father are aware I’m into some very… dark… things. As I’ve never believed in hiding away the evidence of my lifestyle it would have been a miracle if they didn’t know - the crops and canes and artwork tend to do the talking for me.
In short, my kinks are very much who I am. To hide them would be to pretend to be someone I’m not. To know me, even just a little, is to know that I am a sexual being. I am liberated. I believe in helping to liberate others. Professionally, I talk about sex quite a lot - especially around the importance of people being able to make their own choices about their lifestyles.
I enjoy discussing BDSM with others - hence this blog. I find that talking to ‘nillas about Ds is a useful exercise in examining how I really think and feel about things. And exploring Ds with others helps me to examine my own thoughts and intentions. Which helps make sure I stay authentic and real.
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
I’m bi, so the answer to this depends on the gender.
I don’t tend to date girls exclusively, mostly because being a submissive I am usually in want or the possession of a Dom, and I’ve never yet met a woman who has brought out that feeling in me. I tend to go for submissive girls with whom I can journey along this depraved path for a while.
In a man, first and foremost he has to be able to Dom me. If he can’t, I lose interest very quickly. That means he has to be stronger than me and more intelligent than me. I wrote a list a while ago about the qualities I look for in a Dom, so I won’t repeat them here.
In both men and women, I like passion. Not just in the bedroom (although that is important), but something that drives them. I like obsessives. For one thing, they are better able to make allowances for my behaviour. But I also love to watch or listen to someone talking about something they love. I don’t care what it is - music, art, cars, sport, magick, philosophy, writing, dancing, cooking… whatever. I don’t have to share their passion, or even understand it. But they have to have it. People who do not have something that drives them, something that lights a fire within and can cause them to lose themselves for a while just make no sense to me.
I like dreamers, people with ambition. They have to want movement. I can’t sit still forever. I won’t sit still because my partner is content to go nowhere. They must have a hunger. They must reach for MORE.
It is sad to say that I do have a ‘type’. It’s not that I would turn someone down for not fitting this mold. And I can find someone breathtakingly beautiful and not want a relationship with them if beautiful is all they happen to be. But these are the things that will make me look twice. The qualities that draw my eye across a room.
I like short, curvy girls. Dark girls - in both colouring and temperament. I like vulnerability. I have a major thing for Asian girls.
And men are simply not quite right when they don’t have long hair and beards.
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests or perspectives changed? How so?
Yes! Everything and completely… and I’d be worried if that weren’t the case.
It’s hard to crystalise exactly how my perceptions and interests have shifted over time, because they are in constant movement. For me, submission is a journey. It’s about discovering who I am, what I am capable of, it is about facing my fears and becoming better. The things I crave tend to be the lessons I have yet to learn, some barrier I need to overcome, some block I need to get past.
If my interests and perspectives did not change, I would be standing still. In my life, I want change and movement, not stagmentation.
The things I need and desire from or in a partner are also constantly shifting. I have outgrown several Doms, finding my path takes me beyond the scope of the lessons they have to teach.
I am blissful in my current state with his Lordship. We have come so far, and yet it still feels we have so far left to travel. Which is wonderful. He has changed the way I look at myself and at the world. He has shown me that I too have something to teach. I always thought I was looking for a guide, someone to lead me through the lessons I had to learn. But often, with his Lordship, I feel we are traveling together. Sometimes we are on my path, at others on his. The lines are blurred - although he is always the Master, I always the submissive.
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?
I’m not sure that the principles involved here would be any different to those important in keeping any relationship healthy. Honesty, communication, trust, experimentation, excitement… I can’t imagine any relationship working terribly well without these things. I have very little experience (read none) of completely vanilla relationships, so it’s hard for me to judge which principles deviate.
It may be that in a BDSM centred relationship the need for these things is heightened. We play at the extreme ends of the spectrum, after all, so an everyday level of trust and communication does not suffice. My Master demands nothing less than complete honesty and disclosure, and I would not dream of giving less.
This works both ways. It isn’t just about me trusting in my Dom. I need him to trust me. Not just my words and actions, but to trust that I am strong enough to carry him if I need to. Just as he needs to know me and all my fears and weaknesses, I need to know him. I need to know when he is struggling, when our actions are pushing his buttons, if and when we are reaching his limits.
I think that within a BDSM relationship it is all too easy to get lost in the fantasy. Recognition that we are all human and that we wear many masks besides our bedroom ones is crucial. I need my Dom to know that whilst I’m always his submissive, he doesn’t always have to drive. I can take the wheel if things are hard for him. I want and need to be able to do that for him.
Being able to balance the BDSM relationship with the real world is so important if the relationship is to last for any significant period of time. I need to know my Master can read me, that he can tell when I’ve had a hard day and am in need of a cuddle, one that is prepared to put aside his own plans or desires to take care of me when I need it.
But here is the paradox, I also need to know that my partner is willing to completely disregard my feelings in order to take exactly what he wants from me. If he were not prepared to do so occasionally, I would be in control. And the one thing I do not want is control.
I guess any healthy BDSM relationship is a carefully maintained balancing act. We balance all the things we are with all the things we do, we have to manage all of the obstacles real life throws at us, whilst not allowing anything to fall.
I have many ways of trying to manage this. They don’t always work. But the first principle is being true to myself and my partner. I try to be aware of what is going on with me and communicate that to him as best I can. And no matter what we are doing, no matter how mundane the circumstances, I never forget who he is to me.
He is not my ‘boyfriend’ and I have never called him that. He is my Master, my Dom, my partner or his Lordship. We may be doing the groceries, or watching TV, or fucking, but he is always my Master. Our relationship is never equal.
Sometimes, I think the hardest part is remembering to put the BDSM back in. When real life has been demanding, it’s so easy to slip into a vanilla pattern to ease the burden, because you haven’t the time or the energy. For me, having a healthy relationship means having an active BDSM element.
Day 21: Favourite BDSM related book (fiction or non fiction).
I don’t really read a lot of BDSM related stuff. Not in book format, anyway. But one book I did read, and love, was Radical Ecstasy by Dossie Eaton and Janet Hardy.
Radical Ecstasy discusses the transcendental nature of BDSM through the personal experiences and stories of the writers.
If you follow my blog, or his Lordship’s blog, you will have noticed we often talk about the spiritual side of sex and kink. We understand, as have many before us and many will after, that sex is transformative. As a submissive, I seek extremes in emotion and physical sensation. I break down barriers so I can be rebuilt stronger, better. Sex and kink are a form of meditation for me. Through pain I reach a state of calm and quiet that is rarely available to me at any other time.
This book is all about that. About how sex and BDSM can be used as part of a spiritual journey. To help learn more about ourselves, our nature and our place within nature.
Whilst it discusses certain acts, breathing exercises and kundalini practices amongst other techniques, it is not a how-to. It is an exploration of two people’s journeys. I really like that about it.
I was invited by a friend to attend the London workshop when this book was launched. It was a great workshop that involved some very physical meditation. It really worked for me as it allowed me to work with what I’ve got. It didn’t ask me to shut down my nature in order to become more spirtual. Rather, it told me to ramp it up a few notches, to be the sexual being I am and use that as my gateway.
There should be more BDSM books like this.
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand
Huh. I’ve been sitting here staring at a blank screen for ages. Curious about… don’t understand… just doesn’t sound like me. When I’m curious, I experiment. When I don’t understand, I learn.
That makes me sound horribly arrogant. I’m not. But life is about learning. I don’t remain ignorant for long. I have a very strong Mars, you know. And an awful lot going on in Scorpio. When something comes into my head, I fire-girl it obsessively until I have conquered it.
At the moment the only thing that comes to mind is… I’m curious about how his Lordship and I would do with another girl around. It’s not exactly a situation I don’t understand. It wouldn’t be a first for us. But it would be a first since we moved in together. I wonder what the dynamic would be, how we might balance it…
But that’s a lifestyle thing, not a kink thing.
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Kink - or more precisely, the kinky relationships I have had - has improved my life immeasurably, but I don’t think in any unexpected ways.
By acknowledging my needs and desires, I have become a much better adjusted person. By bringing all those base needs and desires into my conscious mind, I no longer subconsciously create high intensity scenarios to get off on. I have developed a high degree of self insight and self awareness, so that now I can generally tell when I’m spiralling into a destructive behaviour pattern, and I can tell the difference between rational and irrational.
I’m also a far more robust person. My journey into submission has been about identifying my fears, and facing them. I used to suffer from panic attacks, my key identifier was as a depressive. That isn’t true now. I’m not saying I won’t ever have a panic attack or experience depression again, but for the now, I’m doing much better. And because of all that self insight I’ve developed, hopefully I’ll be able to tell when things are turning sour and I can take action.
I have picked up friends and lovers along the way who have brought countless wonders into my life. Again, not really unexpected.
Perhaps it would have been simpler just to say no, kink hasn’t heralded any unexpected changes. It has enriched my life in many ways, and if it hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have chosen the lifestyle.
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? What are they?
I don’t know whether I’ve been dreading or relishing this question. Yes. Yes, I have peeves.
My single biggest annoyance with the BDSM community, online and off, is the whole ‘submission is a gift’ thing. The way I do it, submission is most certainly not a gift. And I know I’m not alone.
I do understand the reasoning behind the sentiment of ‘submission is a gift’. I just don’t agree with it. Like every other sane submissive, I don’t hand myself over to just anyone. But the person who comes to own me is not someone that I have chosen to give this beautiful gift of submission to. No. The person who comes to own me is the one who can claim me. The one who takes my submission from me - usually kicking and screaming.
I will push and test a dominant. If he doesn’t take a firm control I will manipulate the situation to get exactly what I want. At which point I will be crushed with disappointment and the relationship will be over. I don’t know how to hand myself over as some sort of packaged gift. I need to know I’m in safe hands.
It isn’t about knowing my dominant is worthy of this thing I wish to bestow upon him. It’s about me knowing, to my very core, that he can handle me. That he can take everything I can throw at him and still remain in control. If I know that, then I can submit and give myself freely.
But that phrase ‘give myself freely’ is misleading. That takes us into ‘gift’ territory. What I really mean is that at that stage, I’m willing to keep coming back for more.
I could write more on this, but it’s actually something I want to explore properly at some point, so I shall leave it there for now and move onto my other pet peeve:
The really annoying lower case and capitalising BDSM types do online. Writing ‘i’ or ‘He’ in the middle of a sentence is grammatically incorrect and an abhorrent misuse of the English language. Don’t even get me started on ‘W/we’ and the like.
I get particularly annoyed by dominants capitalising themselves. When they write things like ‘talk to Me’… makes me want to kill them. I know, it’s an overreaction on my part. I *hate* it. Skin crawling hate it. Toothpicks through the eyeballs hate it. I just can’t help thinking that if you cannot express your dominance without a capital letter, something is going hideously wrong.
And now I shall sit back and watch the followers fall away…
Day 17: What misconception of kinky people would you like to clear up?
It bothers me how people assume that if you’re a submissive, you must be damaged goods. Either you are seen as weak willed, someone in need of another person to take the reins and make all the difficult decisions, or you must be broken in some integral way. You’re looking for a father figure, or you suffer from low self esteem.
I’m sure this is true for *some* submissives. And I have certainly met many people claiming submissiveness whom I have been concerned about myself. Girls and boys whom I suspect would do better with a therapist than a dominant. But for me, none of these things are true.
I’m intelligent, independent and capable. I know my own mind, I know my own worth and enjoy a very healthy, balanced relationship with my father and have no desire to replace him. I have never been abused nor dis-empowered.
Likewise, it bothers me that dominants are often viewed as cruel and manipulative, arrogant and disrespectful. Worse, as abusive. Again, I have met many men and women claiming dominance that fall on this scale. Men and women who have yet to grasp the notion that with power comes responsibility and that having a submissive is not the same as having a lackey.
But I have met many, many more deeply intelligent, loving and nurturing men and women who want nothing more than to give their submissive the experience of a lifetime.
Sadism and masochism are not signs of dysfunction or damage. They can be… but they can also be indicators of people who want to travel further, to push boundaries, to try more. Sadism and masochism can be explored safely, can be explored sanely, and can produce incredible results.
I know I’m preaching to the converted here. No one reading this is going to disagree with me. And if they were I know there is nothing I could say that would actually challenge or change those misconceptions. It’s something you either get, or you don’t. And I know I have ranted about this elsewhere.
But I really do hate it when people make assumptions about me because of the way I look, because of my age, my gender or my background. I hate when people think they know some truth about me based upon their limited interaction with me. But most of all I hate when people judge me based upon my sexuality, which is vastly more intricate and complex than a few labels or a notion of what may turn me on can express.
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
For me, the biggest issue is balance. Most of us have to balance our kinky lifestyles with real world commitments. It’s hard. Sometimes life gets in the way and makes a mockery of all those things I say: I’m yours to do with as you will… use me whenever and however you please… you are the priority.
Sometimes, I just want to pull on my pyjamas and crawl under the duvet. And those may be the time when he wants to use me most. We have to balance that. Our needs, our desires sometimes have to come second - and that is the same for both me and my Master.
For the first couple of years of our relationship, I refused to refer to his Lordship as my ‘boyfriend’. It confused the hell out of our friends because we behaved like a couple in their eyes, but to me it was a very important distinction. I did not want us to get distracted by the real world or bogged down with the mundane. He was my Master, the relationship was not an equal one, and I was determined to maintain and reinforce that through the language we used.
That’s how the title ‘his Lordship’ was developed. I couldn’t use ‘Master’ in public, so I used ‘his Lordship’ - "I’m making his Lordship Pie for dinner", "his Lordship is out with his friends this weekend". People laughed and saw in it a hint of sarcasm, but he and I knew the truth behind it. It helps me maintain the balance.
The other issue is knowing that I can’t have a relationship that doesn’t involve kink.
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was walk away from a relationship on the grounds it was not kinky enough for me. We were engaged and it would have been the easiest thing to marry him. Except he would not Dom me, and I could not marry him knowing that he would never be enough for me. That I would always be wanting more. We had fallen into a pattern of emotional manipulation and abuse because it was the only way I could get what I needed. My kinks made us both thoroughly miserable.
I’m too afraid of repeating that pattern to even consider a relationship with anyone I cannot call ‘Master’. I’m not sure I could juggle having a Dom and a [male] lover. I know others manage it superbly. I would not trust myself to make sensible decisions about priorities - and I would never expect someone else to make those decisions for me.