I’m regularly asked if I want to have children. I guess I’m reaching that point in my 20’s where people think I should be settling down or something, I don’t know. Or maybe I just look like time’s running out - eeps.
The fact is, I don’t want children. I never have. I’ve never looked to my future and seen children playing there, I’ve never had a burning desire to be a mother. I do accept that, as a woman, at some point biology might take over and I’ll find myself desperate to conceive. But certainly for now, that seems a distant and unlikely event.
I often wonder what our children would be like - his lordship’s and mine. He doesn’t want any either, so it’s a bit of a moot point. And the knowledge that I couldn’t send them back again after I’ve had a look is somewhat off putting as well.
But I was thinking about this today and I realised that, quite apart from the usual children-related issues of cost and disruption, becoming a mother would pose another challenge for me: how could I submit - really submit - if I was a mother?
I know this will be an unpopular statement - and I’m not making any aspersions about anyone else’s lifestyle or choices. This is just me. How I feel.
When I give, I give everything. Sure, I fight it. At times, run away. But at the core of my submission is the promise anything, any time. And as much as I struggle, that is what I work towards. And for fleeting moments, I have it: total acceptance. He could do anything. It would not matter.
But how can you ever let go completely, when you know you have utmost responsibility to another human being? Another human being who is, dare I say, more important than you one you profess to serve? Could I really give him everything, if what he asked of me hurt my children? Directly, or indirectly?
I really don’t know.
I don’t believe that people with children are incapable of submitting. That would be ridiculous. I’m sure the reality of it is far subtler than I can imagine. But there must be a compromise in there, somewhere.
I remember the first time I held my niece. How much I loved her, how I knew I would do anything to protect her. Because she was family. And so tiny and precious and deserving of love and protection. My niece. How a mother must feel… I can barely begin to comprehend.
How could I not put a child before my master?
A friend of ours recently had a baby. He told his lordship that no decision he had ever made, nothing that had ever happened, would ever be a mistake in his mind again. Because all of those actions led to him being a father.
It struck me how overwhelming that sentiment was… and how similar it is to the way I feel about my Master. When I am at his feet, when he has brought me to my knees and I can look up at him, aching and sore and knowing he could do anything to me in that moment, yet am not afraid. In those moments, nothing else matters and every step along the path was the right one.
Could I even have those moments of blissful certainty, if I was listening for the baby crying?
I’m sure there are plenty of people out there ready to put me right. These were just a few thoughts kicking around my head this evening. I’m putting them here so I can remind myself of how I *really* feel when my clock starts ticking…
I draw girls. I’ve been remiss in sharing examples of the girls I draw because I am (in theory) putting my website together, and I don’t want to share until I’m happy with the images. Which may be never…
You can ask for a link to some artwork if you do happen to be interested.
Anyway… I have these images flashing around in my head at the moment. A bit of a creative project I’m just itching to get my teeth into. But I need girls to work with. So… I figured, don’t ask, don’t get.
Do I have any followers who might be interested in embarking upon a bit of a creative project with me? UK based girls would be great, but I can work with far flung ones too.
If this tickles a fancy, do please drop me a line and we can discuss what I have in mind, and ways we may be able to make it work.
these posts by you and your master is making me believe that sex is much more spiritual than I'd initially assumed.
This is a lovely message. Both his Lordship and I were touched to hear this.
I do believe sex is an intensely spiritual act. We are so bogged down with the every-day, the mundane and pointless that feels hyper essential. We forget, so often, to just be, and to revel in all the things we are. Sex is a wonderful way of stripping away the crap, of taking us back to the things we essentially are. It is a way of exploring the hidden aspects of ourselves, a way of tapping into joy.
That’s not to say *all* sex is spiritual. No no no. A quickie in the alley with some dude you just met in the bar, probably less spiritual. Unless it’s a particularly special brief-encounter. And I’m all for just getting down and dirty for the sake of it.
But yes, it *can* be a spiritual act. A magickal act. My own explorations into spirituality, and my big breakthroughs, have usually been associated with sex or drugs. Which I know may seem unconventional to some, but I’m happy to place myself on the shaman end of the spectrum…
Either way, I do hope that something we have written inspires you to seek your own spiritual encounters. Sex-orientated or otherwise.
PS. My initial thoughts on seeing your blog were oh my gods, soooo cute. I just want to take her away and keep her in a box, and bring her out every night to play with. On the weekends I’d take her to Camden and buy her pretty dresses, and tie ribbons in her hair, and draw her.
So I guess sometimes sex is something else altogether…
Hey, just wanted to say thanks for the recommendation of Jack's Floggers on one of your 30 Days of Kink posts. I checked out the site thinking it would all be too expensive but I was pleasantly surprised! I'll be making a big order once I've scraped some cash together :D thanks!
I am glad to be of service. And I will now use this space to plug Jack’s Floggers a little more.
Jack’s Floggers (follow the damn link) are beautifully hand crafted floggers at unbelievably affordable prices.
We have commissioned 2 floggers from Mr Jack and I love them more than anything. If the house was on fire, I would save the floggers first. These particular floggers are particularly special to me because they are magickal tools. Mr Jack took our bizarre specifications and crafted something unique and amazing. The photos absolutely do not do them justice.
And just for a little context, these two floggers, bespoke and made to specific requirements, cost a little over £100 between the two of them. Amazing. Better than floggers I’ve seen in the shops for three times the price.