I question everything about my submission, always. I am on a journey, and I must constantly question if I am to understand where I am going and where I might end up.
But I know that is not what this question is driving at. And in fact, the tone of the question underlines the one thing I hate most about the lifestyle: this idea that there might be a ‘correct’ way of doing things, or that any element of ones desires should be doubted, questioned or resisted.
Perhaps that’s not the tone at all, perhaps that’s just my ego. But it’s something I have encountered often over the years. The whole notion of ‘safe, sane and consensual’, relevant and necessary though it is, serves to create a sense that there are some acts of Ds which are unsafe, insane and non-consensual. Which is also true. But different people place certain acts at different points of the spectrum, and then tie themselves and each other in knots arguing about what is right. Good submission vs bad submission - when really there just is.
For me, Ds is about exploration. It is an exercise in discovery, an adventurous striking forth to push boundaries, break down taboos and to manifest something far greater than the sum of it’s parts. Inevitably from time to time I will find myself preoccupied with a thought or desire. I may find myself feeling uncomfortable at a particular suggestion or idea. And usually that means I have to go and try it. Where there is conflict, there screams a need for resolution. It is, to me, an opportunity for growth.
I think for many people those elements of submission they resist or are repelled by become ‘limits’. The things they say no to. His lordship often refers to limits as wish lists - the things you really, really want to try… Just not yet. And I think that statement really surmises how we approach our paths. Internal conflict often underlines something that needs looking at, exploring. It is not something to be backed away from, but embraced. Given my chosen route for self exploration is submission, it would be odd if I backed away from the challenge presented by my conflicting needs and desires.
'Submissive' often feels like the wrong word to describe what I am. I prefer 'whore'. And part of a whore's path is to accept everything. I try not judge, I try to embrace all ideas - no matter how transgressive. So for me, there is no right or wrong. I create a space in which even our darkest, most twisted desires can manifest, and in that space we revel in them in such a way that no permanent harm can come of them. We take ownership of our desires, harness them. We do not let them drive us.
I would never question or resist the desires that someone carries. I would never judge. Perhaps there are questions that should be raised about the execution of those desires if they carry us into the realms of non-consensual damage. But for the most part, I celebrate transgression as a pathway to growth.
So no, I have never resisted my submissive feelings. Where the desire to resist has arisen, I have turned myself more forcefully towards it. Thrown myself wholeheartedly into the act that terrifies or sickens me. And usually what I have found is, it wasn’t so bad after all…
Sometimes when things happen, they happen fast. After months of inertia, they can turn around in a moment. At least that’s how it feels. I know the reality is that there’s been a process at work. Some deep, subconscious shifts, gears grinding away. It’s only on the surface that it looks nimble. The difference between ‘awake’ and ‘not awake’ may look like a blink, but the internal process was far more complex.
This week, his Lordship wobbled (not really a Lordship word, but the best I can do right now). I take a good deal of responsibility for it. I presented something to him at a moment in time that he didn’t really have the capacity to deal with it. In my defence, I needed to have that conversation at that time, and I wasn’t really in control of the timing either. To not raise it would have been to not disclose something significant - and that is not acceptable.
But the result was I piled just a little too much on an already strained back, and something cracked. He fired a lot of anger and doubt at me. He nearly shouted. Nearly. I’ve never heard him shout at me, not once in 7 years. Everything he felt was entirely reasonable and justifiable… The problem was, I didn’t know how to hold it. I engaged when I should have disengaged. I tried to justify and explain. I probably made it worse.
Yesterday, I realised my mistake. I had the clarity to see the whole situation, and to understand what I had done wrong. Understandably, I was still trying to bend to the will of my Master… Only, right now, my Master has no will. He’s tired and he’s put upon, and he’s a little bit lost. I say a little bit because I can still see my Master. I just don’t think he can.
So it became my turn to lead. My turn to remind him who he is and show him what’s really real.
It’s ok, when the tables turn. That my Dom has a moment of weakness and needs to be led does not mean he is weak and does not mean he is not in control. The balance between us is as it ever was. There is will, and there is submission. There is control, and there is the loss of it. The only real shift is where the will is being channelled from. Right now, it’s mine.
My Master has lost the path. But I think that’s ok. I’m not sure he was ever on the path anyway, not the way I am. He is the light that guides me, and mine are the feet that trawl through the mud. Right now, maybe I’m carrying that light. It’s okay, I can do that. I still see the path.
He may be afraid of where the path goes, but I never am. I’m only ever afraid of the next step. The immediate challenge. But I also know that beyond that step, there is another, and another, and the path goes on and on.
So having realised my mistake of previous days, I took my Master by the hand, and I showed him who he really is. He may not remember, but I do. He may feel lost, but I always know where he is.
I’ve been away, but now I’m coming back. Last night he looked at me and said I was coming out of a cocoon. I’ve been away, but come back better. I asked if I had wings (hopeful), he said no… Maybe an extra tentacle.
So my Master is still there. Even if only to tease me…